He finally got a plan. He would get a big, mean, killer guard dog. He would tell his wife it was to protect her from burglars, but it would have the benefit of also protecting from visitors.

His next trip was scheduled for the following day, so he frantically went searching for a pet store that was still open.

Finally he found a shabby looking pet store that was still open. He walked in and a little oriental man walked out and said "May I help you sir?"

"Why yes. I'm looking for a dog for protection."

The old man replied "Oh no we have none."

"Well what do you have?"

"We have vewwy good kill snake." said the old man.

"Oh no. I can't buy a snake. Do you have anything else? Anything that might make loud noises something that draws attention?"

The little old man said "Ah yessss, we have a talking parrot knows 6 languages. Vewwy good low price. Only one problem."

"What's the problem?" asked the man.

"No legs." said the little old man

So the man buys it. He figures he'll make do with plan B.

He brings it home, puts the parrot on the couch (carefully so that it doesn't tip over) and tells his wife that he has bought her a pet.

She just shrugs.

So the man leaves on his trip.

When he comes back he finds the bird on the ground he picks it up and asks the bird "What did you see?"

The parrot reports "well this man came"

"Uh huh?" said the man.

"And she held his hand..." continued the parrot

"And?"

"And they started kissing..."

"Uh huh?"

"He took off his shirt..."

"Go on."

"And she took off her shirt..."

"What next" demanded the man.

"I don't know." said the bird, "I popped a boner and rolled off the couch"